Phew that's a long title. That's because both of those things are something I'm working on and were the topic of my second Toastmasters speech!
Yes, I was speaking about listening.
Because I'm recently discovering how nice it is to be heard, and that there's another way to listen than what I've been doing all my life, which doesn't take nearly as much effort. Read below for the transcript (with nervousness it was all mixed up when I was actually speaking!)
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And no wonder. Research on listening indicates that we spend most of our time communicating, but a whole three quarters of that time we are forgetful, pre-occupied, or not paying attention.
Yes, I was speaking about listening.
Because I'm recently discovering how nice it is to be heard, and that there's another way to listen than what I've been doing all my life, which doesn't take nearly as much effort. Read below for the transcript (with nervousness it was all mixed up when I was actually speaking!)
*****
Listen... Do you hear that? Silence. How often do we get to speak and be heard with complete silence?
Mr Toastmaster, fellow members, and dear guests...
There’s a lot of noise around us, a lot of distraction... and there’s always the monologue in our heads...or is that just me?
We have many tips and techniques for better speaking. How to engage the audience, how to be interesting, how to be funny, strong opening, strong voice...many tips for how to make ourselves heard.
We’re almost screaming to make ourselves heard.
We’re almost screaming to make ourselves heard.
And no wonder. Research on listening indicates that we spend most of our time communicating, but a whole three quarters of that time we are forgetful, pre-occupied, or not paying attention.
Why is it so hard to listen? I think most of us do want to be better at it. There is the distraction, preoccupation with our own busy lives. But there’s something else too hiding under the surface.
And it’s the vulnerability in listening.
To truly listen without planning any response, judging what the person is saying, comparing to your own life, means to let go of control. If you’re in your head thinking of what to say next, you’re not really seeing the speaker. To let go means to let them take you to an unknown place. Possibly uncomfortable. It takes courage to listen, and it’s worth it.
To be heard is to be seen, to be recognized. It’s a basic human need. I’m pretty sure some of my private English students pay me just to listen to them. When you are truly listening, there is a space for creativity to flow out of the speaker, and combined with yours you can create something even greater.
And it’s the vulnerability in listening.
To truly listen without planning any response, judging what the person is saying, comparing to your own life, means to let go of control. If you’re in your head thinking of what to say next, you’re not really seeing the speaker. To let go means to let them take you to an unknown place. Possibly uncomfortable. It takes courage to listen, and it’s worth it.
To be heard is to be seen, to be recognized. It’s a basic human need. I’m pretty sure some of my private English students pay me just to listen to them. When you are truly listening, there is a space for creativity to flow out of the speaker, and combined with yours you can create something even greater.
But what about me? I also want to be heard! you might protest. Believe me, I completely understand. I spent my whole life being a “listener”, and it’s part of the reason I’m in this club, to find my voice. But with a little bit of perspective, even those who have a need to be heard can still give the gift of listening. And it is such a powerful gift to give someone, they will usually be more than happy to return the favor.
This is the stuff that builds relationships, creates teams and organizations, ends the conflict with your spouse, and the Cuban Missile Crisis...perhaps on the same importance level. :)
This is the stuff that builds relationships, creates teams and organizations, ends the conflict with your spouse, and the Cuban Missile Crisis...perhaps on the same importance level. :)
So what can we do to change this? To not do anything. Just be there, just be present to the speaker.
There is a technique called active listening, which you might have heard about, which is nodding your head, smiling, giving feedback, asking questions...This is good and has it's place, but sometimes it can be superficial.
I invite you to just be present. A way you can practice being in the present moment is to take a minute every day to be aware of what you're doing, moment to moment. For 60 seconds be completely present, it could be while you’re brushing your teeth, getting a glass of water, juggling...Well I suppose if you're juggling you have to be completely present...maybe we should all start juggling!
There is a technique called active listening, which you might have heard about, which is nodding your head, smiling, giving feedback, asking questions...This is good and has it's place, but sometimes it can be superficial.
I invite you to just be present. A way you can practice being in the present moment is to take a minute every day to be aware of what you're doing, moment to moment. For 60 seconds be completely present, it could be while you’re brushing your teeth, getting a glass of water, juggling...Well I suppose if you're juggling you have to be completely present...maybe we should all start juggling!
Anyway, if you try this, by the time you are in a conversation, you'll be ready.
I have a student who I initially was not happy about because he has the lowest English level, so I thought it might be a boring class. He's now my favorite student. It's amazing the stories he tells me when I am patient and let him speak. For example...he's a delivery man and he was telling me the other day that he often delivers packages to the airport. He was so excited to tell me about all the interesting people he sees at the airport, how he'll watch a sports match on TV and then see the team at the airport...I watched him come alive when he was telling this story and the pride on his face when he saw my appreciation.
Just try it. I assure you it will be worth it. And come back and tell me what happens.
I leave you with a quote by a quaker named Douglas Steere, who said “To 'listen' another’s soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another.”
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