After over a year of being back in the US of A, I am finally getting some perspective on my time abroad, the culminating experience of which was undoubtedly New Zealand. Some wind blew me over to that side of the world after knowing I needed to leave Spain and then after visiting family in Russia, knowing it was time to leave there too.
I had read about New Zealand and WWOOFing there, and was drawn. Sustainable farming, living in harmony and peace in community and nature…this all spoke to me. Now I realize that I subconsciously (and consciously) thought I might find the healing that I need at places like that. And I was at least partially right.(Get ready...stream of consciousness begins here)
I have gone there and back, literally and all else. The pure land churned up things inside me I was and was not ready for. The people were the mirrors to my pain and joy. I experienced and saw so much compassion and love. Also other pain. I saw a lot of everything. Everything from the land to lifestyle to emotion to pain to awareness to God to living in peace and joy. It was a kaleidoscope of what's possible, what was, what is. I was faced with my own pain over and over. Some understood, some didn't. Some were just as lost, whether they were traveling or not. Some shone bright and that was both healing and difficult. It was a journey of surrender. Surrender to myself, surrender to what's real, to what's here. To what needs to be done, to what I need, what I want. A letting go of desperate searching and reaching.
The pure land and the openness of the people I met was the canvas for me to see myself, just as I am, with all the pain and sometimes with my gifts shining through. It was very very hard to get those reflections back to myself, not so much the gifts, but the pain. As Benjamin (my travel and heart companion for a time) liked to put it, it was a constant washing machine. I come to a new place, I meet some people, they inspire me, then they start triggering me, emotions come up in me and sometimes in them, my pain is sometimes in the spotlight in front of almost strangers, I try to deal with it the best I can with or without help, and then it's time to move on.
In my journey there I opened up more and more and I started finding more and more compassion and love, either because I was going to those places or because I was more open to it, or both. I processed (a word I came to use quite often by the end of my time there) and I released, and I surrendered to myself. I started being a lot nicer to myself and not making myself move from place to place every week. I spent lots of time alone on top of the hill living in Margaret's van (used by her as a closet). It was hard to do that too as waves of travelers and WWOOFers passed through Tui (the community where I was staying). Some were shining lights, some just enjoying life, and they would gather in groups and I would be alone, processing. Whether this was good or bad or right or wrong doesn't matter. It's what was. Oh the regret is there for sure. So many beautiful places I saw and didn't take in fully because I was processing emotions. But that is the regret for many many moments of my life and regret is pointless. It only recycles the same.
I am humbled when I think about this. I am humbled and I am even more committed to my journey of self-love and healing. I see where I am now and I see how New Zealand played a big part in opening me up to myself. It was very uncomfortable for the ego and that is how it goes. Clearing must happen through not around. I can't avoid it. Uncomfortable situations usually lead to growth because they show me where I still have pain. And if I still have pain then I'm not seeing the love and joy all around me, no matter if it's the most beautiful scenery I will ever see in my life or if it's the leaves rustling in the wind on the tree outside my window.
So thank you New Zealand and the humans traveling and living there. I was shown so much compassion, and wisdom, and also pain, and I'm thankful for every bit of it.
Here are some pictures of the journey through the land and through the heart.
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